


Shattered

by Trixxster103



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Background Jaspearl, F/F, Flashbacks, Freeform, Guilt, Intrusive Thoughts, Jasper Redemption (Steven Universe), Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Timeline What Timeline, ambiguous timeline, older!steven
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2016-11-15
Packaged: 2018-08-31 00:23:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8555413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trixxster103/pseuds/Trixxster103
Summary: Steven knows that sneaking into Pearl's room to watch her sleep is not only a gross violation of her privacy, but also incredibly hypocritical. But after a particularly bad flashback he finds he can't help himself. Night after night, he has to know.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This started as an exercise of about wondering 'What if the situation was reversed and Steven watched Pearl sleep?' and then it became this sort of experimental angst fic. Takes place sometime in the future, with redeemed Jasper, Lapis and Peridot, who are all Crystal Gems and live in the Temple. Contains background Jaspearl and Lapidot.

              Steven knew what he was doing was wrong. Not only was it an incredible breach of trust, it was also a deep hypocrisy on his part. He was sixteen now and had always known better. But the burning ache of his guilt was less than the ache of not knowing. It had been strange, finding out Pearl had watched him sleep most nights for many years of his life and he had spent a few quiet lonely hours wondering and trying to understand. To her credit she never watched him again after he asked her to stop – or at least if she did, she got better at not getting caught by both him and Garnet. It was only when watching her dream, the suffused light of her hologram casting odd shadows across the pools in her room that he felt he understood why she did it for so long.

              It had started a month ago, with a horrific and brutal nightmare and flashback – just as a year ago, Pearl had nearly died in his arms, her gem chipped and cracked nearly to the point of shattering, her whole body flickering and broken after taking the brunt of the final assault of Homeworld during their second attempt at regaining their colony. They’d won the day, and Steven had saved Pearl – to no lasting damage on her part, she assured him when she reformed two weeks later – but the damage was inside him. Garnet made sure he didn’t withdraw into himself and Connie faced the painful memory with him until they no longer broke apart when fusing. In time – record time – the Crystal Gems’ smiling, kind little boy was back. But there was some scar still present inside him, some ache he couldn’t shake.

              It took a long time for Steven not to panic when Pearl was out of his sightline. After the dream and flashback – almost a year later, when he thought he was over it – he found a way to sneak into Pearl’s room. He had to know she was safe. The first night he found her sleeping was a pleasant surprise that warmed him to his core and made his gem glow. At least one of them was able to find solace in sleep. She’d never mentioned that she’d started to indulge or enjoy the pastime, Steven had noticed with the slightest twinge of disappointment. It seemed like the kind of thing Pearl would’ve loved to brag or philosophize about, this strange human habit called sleeping. But he supposed that even she had her secrets from him.

              Pearl was late. Even when doing something as relaxing as sleeping, Pearl liked her order and schedules. Steven knew when she went to sleep because he had almost been caught by her as she was summoning a bed several days ago. After that he had timed it and found it was always at precisely the same time that she slept every night. She’d even taken to summoning a night stand with alarm clock to make sure she never slept more than the four hours she could realistically allow herself to indulge given how many things just had to be done around the house.

              There were one or two nights a week Steven slept well. The rest of the nights would be a fitful fight with his subconscious until he could pull himself out of bed and sneak into Pearl’s room once she’d been sleeping for a time. Steven would draw as close to her bedside as he dared – only once had he been brave enough to tuck the blanket she slept under closer to her chin when he thought she looked cold – and then sit, knees drawn to his chin and watch her dream, every bit of worry and anxiety leaking out of him.

              Pearl was different when she slept. Gone was the perfectionism, structure and constant need to be moving or doing something. While he was sure that Pearl started out sleeping neatly, by the time he’d get there, her limbs would be thrown about, sheets tangled and rumpled, a spot of drool sometimes pooling out of her mouth. But her features would be soft, smoothed by sleep and sometimes she would smile or giggle under her breath. Above her, her dreams would flicker. Steven did his best not to look at her dream hologram, already disgusted with his gross violation of her privacy. He knew the importance of dreams. Pearl deserved the choice of only sharing them if she wanted. After all, it’s not like she could help projecting them.

              It usually only took twenty minutes or less for Steven to relax into a boneless, smiling pile watching her. She was safe. Of course she was, but he had to be sure. After that the exhaustion would hit him and he would wearily drag himself back to bed, finally able to succumb to slumber. Now that he’s older, lying is easier. Pretending he isn’t tired is easy and when it gets hard he has coffee. He was careful to not get caught, only because he knew the look on Pearl’s face when she found out would be too much for him to bear on top of the trauma that guided him to watch her in the first place.

              The fact that Pearl was late twisted Steven’s insides. It was most likely nothing. Maybe she had a mission, or got so caught up in chores that she lost track of time or any number of other mundane excuses. There was always that horrifying niggling doubt though that something was really wrong and he should just go get Garnet, and admit to her exactly what he had been doing. Steven reminded himself to breath and went back to thinking about the uncomfortable psychological implications behind what he was doing most nights of the week.

              That Pearl didn’t need protection was obvious to Steven. He knew what she was capable of, had spent enough time seeing her fight to know exactly how safe she was. And the stories of her were no exaggeration either, not when Pearl told them, quiet and deathly serious after he pleaded with her that he was no longer a little boy and didn’t need to be spared from the truth. But being older changed him. Pearl was still much the same as he said, strong in the real way and she never stopped trying, but to Steven she was no longer invincible. Poofing was one thing. Her crumpled, mangled body and pained cries were another. Once in a while he could still see her, struggling to keep the cracks on her gem from joining and sending her to shattered oblivion as he ran to scoop her up, covering her gem with saliva and tears, even as she lied and pretended that it didn’t hurt, just for him. Pearl could be shattered and was, physically, the most fragile of all the Crystal Gems. It was just fact.

              It hurt to think that, as though some core part of him was committing the greatest act of betrayal by admitting that Pearl was simply not as strong as the others. After everything she’d done and worked for, how much she had grown up, all the work she had done to change the indoctrination of Homeworld, she was still a pearl. Could still get shattered. The thought twisted Steven’s guts up. He couldn’t help the thoughts, couldn’t shake them. Steven wanted to go to Garnet even more as he forced himself to continue down the line of thoughts he was pursuing, even knowing how disappointed she’d be. He needed one of her hugs for sure. And then one from Pearl, too. But first he had to wait until Pearl got back to her room, had to make sure she was safe.

              It was because she always insisted on doing everything alone. It was her pride and shame that didn’t let her ask for help. Amethyst was scrappy, and Garnet was already two great halves of one gem, so he didn’t have to worry about them. Lapis had Peridot and Peridot had Lapis. Steven knew he had no reason to worry about the two of them. They were always together, in either one or the others’ room, obsessively touchy and all over each other since they announced they were ‘together’. And he definitely wasn’t going to check on them in there. He was sixteen and certainly not naïve anymore. He knew exactly what they were doing when they retreated to one of their rooms, not that he ever wanted to think too much about that. And Jasper was big. In all, it was only Pearl Steven worried about, even as the worry mixed with guilt to make a toxic soup in his gut.

              All the pain washed away when the clear high sound of Pearl’s voice echoed from some deeper part of her room and Steven shrank back further into his hiding place, wary of being seen. Another deeper sound followed. It sounded like laughter. Jasper’s raspy laughter to be precise. Steven knew that Pearl and the newest Crystal Gem had been growing close lately, but he didn’t realize how close. Pearl didn’t just let people into her room. 

              There was a moment of silence and then Pearl and Jasper burst into the area Steven was observing, both slightly flushed and smiling. Pearl was holding onto to Jasper’s arm with one hand, the other waving about to make her point as she spoke. Jasper watched her, attention rapt and focused. Steven watched as they stopped unconsciously to continue the conversation, Jasper interjecting with something that obvious pleased Pearl because she laughed behind one hand, her teal blush deepening. Jasper moved the arm that Pearl had captured around her shoulders after that, pulling her close to her side to whisper something to her. Whatever it was it made Pearl squawk out an indignant ‘Jasper!’ and bury her face into the orange gems side. Jasper just laughed loudly, reaching for Pearl’s chin to tease her more.

              Steven gulped. He wasn’t supposed to be privy to this private moment. All the negative feelings returned and intensified seeing Pearl so happy, cared for and obviously safe. He’d never needed to check on her and was definitely in the wrong. There was also the slight ever present concern of where their flirting might inevitably lead with the two gems thinking they were alone. He felt like shit. Backing up slowly Steven started to make his way out of the room, determined to never return without permission. He decided he’d try and sleep a bit and then the moment Garnet came out of her room he’d finally tell her everything. Seeing Jasper had made him realize he couldn’t keep doing this.

              Backing up, one of Steven’s feet came down harder than he thought it would, making an awkward splash. Pearl stiffened and Jasper’s immediate instinct drew her head up and brought Steven directly into her line of sight. Pearl wouldn’t see him right away, even when she turned towards him, but Jasper had at least a full foot of height on her. The two locked eyes, a confused grimace spreading across Jasper’s face. Narrowing her eyes, Jasper nodded, just once, tight lipped and serious. They’d definitely be talking about this later. Pearl noticed her nod and this time said her name with only the slightest inflection of worry. Jasper just grabbed her chin, pulling her into a searing kiss, which Pearl returned with a pleased hum after a moment of surprise.

              Jasper’s eyes hadn’t left Steven and he stumbled backwards, fell onto his butt and then started scrabbling out of the room. As Steven pulled himself up into the hidden passage that took him from his mom’s room to Pearl’s he saw the orange gem finally look away and close her eyes as she deepened the kiss. Steven jumped out of the too bright, too pink room the moment he got back, and ran to find Garnet. There’d be time to talk to Pearl later, to confess, break and heal. At that moment he was just happy that she was alive and clearly had someone who loved her back, and just as much as he did.

             


End file.
